Homophobia.. Sounds Like a Disease, Doesn't It?

Homophobes are probably my second biggest fear, my first being death. Pretty sad huh? Why must people get so much enjoyment out of hurting others? I know I shouldn't worry about people saying stuff about me or making fun of the way that I am but its hard not to be liked for something that you can't change.

To be honest, when I used to be out in public I used to look around to see if people are saying crap about me or not. I've started to gain much more confidence than I used to about this and usually ignore what people say. But to those who are not there yet. I have been there most of my life. It is very hard and can get you very down but when you start accepting that you are who you are and if someone doesn't agree with it they have no impact on your life what so ever.

Anywho, my reason for writing about homophobia is because when I was at work last a woman with her teenaged child was laughing at me while I was cashing them out saying "He's so gay." This is where homophobia starts, at home. Monkey see, monkey do. Children who grow up with homophobic parents will most likely grow up to be homphobic.

Why are people homophobic? I think there are several reasons to this. One, they are scared of a different lifestyle that they weren't grown up with. Two, they are afraid of what other people will say if they don't say shit to homosexuals. Three, they are uneducated and they don't understand that its something that you don't choose.

When that woman said "He's sooo gay" to her daughter laughing and staring at me, it hit me like a bullet. This is deffinitely not the first time that this has happened at work. That is pretty sad that people can't be mature enough to not say anything or even wait till they are out of the room to say it. After she said that I went to the bathroom because it hit me so hard. Thank God that I have such a wonderful Manager that said to me "if anyone does that let me know because thats not right." I thank her so much just for saying that. It meant a lot.

I could go on forever about this subject so there may be other things on it in the future.

I Am More Than Just Gay

So this is one thing that gets on my nerves very easily. I cannot stand to be refered to as being someones "gay friend." Okay, sure I am gay, but, I am also a lot more than just that. I am a piano player, a DJ, a skier, a student, hard-worker, and also funny. So my question is, why can't I be refered to as someones "piano playing, DJ, skier, student, hard-working, funny friend?"

I have always hated when people would be like, "I always wanted a gay friend!" or "gays are so fun to be around." One, gays are not all the same. Each one of us has our own cliques and personalities, we don't all just bounce around and like to pick out your clothing. In fact, I hate picking out clothes for people! I am absolutely horrible at it! If you ask me to go shopping with you and you expect me to be an expert because I'm gay, it not one of your best ideas. I have enough trouble picking my own clothes out. Two, why is it okay for you to call me your "gay friend" but if your fat I can't call you my "fat friend?" Three, am I only your friend because I'm gay?

Words of advice to all the people who have friends that are gay and introduces or calls them their "gay friend." Drop the labels and just call us your friend because being your friend means much more than being just the "gay friend."

Football Players

Now this is a little switch up to my blog posts but it needed to happen sometime.. What is it about football players that makes me sooooo attracted to them. Is it the muscles? the masculinity? the athleticism? ha. I hate football, hate hate hate it. So boring! I mean, they go one way then the other and they stop every two seconds!! So slow, wayy lame. But if I had a man that was a football player, dayyyummm, id go to everyyyy game!

Football players are hott and all but I like many other types of guys. I like guys who are really smart, I like guys who are cute and shy, I like guys who are outgoing and fun... actually.. i just like guys in general! I don't really stick to one personality, but if the only types of guys I don't like are guys who take advantage of people, redheads, and emos haha. But other than that, MENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! :)

Gay at College vs. High School

So I've only been to college for about a week now but there are already so many differences from High School. Growing up in a small country town where everybody knows your name and farming is the number one priority in life, being gay was very difficult. I used to be scared to walk in the halls alone and I wouldn't go in the bathrooms in school at all unless it was after school and no one was there. It was very tough and I had times where guys have said shit about me in front of the whole class and have everyone laugh and I would leave the class and spend it in front of my locker or would go to the nurse to avoid class. I remember when someone said crap about me in front of the whole class and I had to leave because I just broke down into tears.

Now its been a week of college and I feel so much more comfortable. Sure there are the occasional people that I would avoid but I really don't feel scared to be myself. I shouldn't be afraid to be myself at all. It's nice to finally go to school where your not the only minority and you don't have a bunch of hicks saying shit to you everywhere you go. I love college, so much more maturity.

Vulnerability

So it has taken me a while to learn this but now that I do I think my life will change a whole lot more. You have seen my posts where I whine and whine about how life sucks, men suck, blah-dee-fracking-dah, but I think I found the source of all my problems. I feel that I have always been too vulnerable and let other people take advantage of me. When guys did something I didn't like I would let them do it anyways because I didn't have the strong enough voice to say something about it. I have always been scared about upsetting the other guy by not doing what they wanted. Now I realize that I don't want someone whom I have to do whatever they want to make them happy. I deserve to be happy too, do I not?

So now that I have realized this, I have been stronger in my voice to tell people to back off of me and make it clear to what I want. A great friend once told me that "when a guy calls you to hang out when its the middle of the night, what are they really calling for..," and after he said that I realized that I make myself too vulnerable. I have been stupid for too long and now thats going to change because I can speak for myself and I can't be happy without making my own decisions.

words to live by right now: SPEAK UP!